Thrive.

What I have come to realize is that someone who I am care about in life and show me the way to lead it, it seriously and sincerely flawed. She has had trials and tribulations throughout her life, and I have come to realize the reason for the most of these is indefinitely her. She thrives in over emotion and outbursts. There is a lack of logic and a grasp of reality and in replace there are self righteous soliloquies. Nothing can be fun, it all has to focus in the past. Something she feels must be dealt with and just be the past. But back focus there is no moving forward.

She states everything out loud and asserts,asserts, and reasserts until she thinks you see her point of view and side with her. She has to cry, make everything about her if she isn't the center of attention or she feels attacked.

Somethings just are said, there isn't suppose to be a deeper meaning, sometime when you come home from work there is somethings that don't involve you. What you need to realize, person I love so much who will never read this, is by attempting to fix the past you are rueing the moment. The future is now, and sometimes we don't need to have drama. We just want to come home from work and comment about the traffic, without an outburst of tears,which you try to follow by a heart to heart, more tears, and slamming shit around.

Sometimes while you say he is stuck at 13, he has at least let go. Sometimes, I really think it is the other way around, and you talked and talked and talked me into this belief before I knew better.

Food

Have you ever noticed the effect food can have on people?

Example today was free pastry day at Starbucks which my boss/friend Naomi and I attended. Mmm croissant. That is a way to start your day with a jovial walking on air feeling which can be slowly dissipated by literally calling hundreds of people.

Other than that it is my night to cook dinner, and because I was starving, I went all out.

We have homemade wheat less biscuits, lime shrimp, butternut squash, and green beans, with fresh raspberries for desert ( $10 a flat at QFC ) Pretty delicious if I say so myself.

But now I am in a state of food delight, minus the dishes of course.

But hopefully after I start some laundry and finish this I will be up for a run and my workout. Due to commuting and lack of personal motivation, I have not been adhering as strictly to the regime as normal. But today isn't over yet....

Getting started again.

So I realized lately that I have stopped journaling online and all together. This is something that I tend to do when life gets crazy on me. However, this is summer and with more than two seconds to think ( and sometimes two seconds long in my opinion) I most probably should get back on this bandwagon because it truly helps me get a glimpse of where I am. And to be absolutely mundane in the words of someone once very wise, "Where ever you go, there you will be".

So lets play catch up....

I thought for an eternity ( literally my whole life) that I have wanted to be a doctor and for the first year and a half of college, I was working on it. I was an intention to serve however, intentions are easily missed. Sometimes God has to scream before you will listen that you aren't following his intentions. After this realization in January, I gave it a lot of prayerful consideration and talked myself and family into oblivion, to the extent a merry-go-round had nothing on my mental/verbal process. And have decided that a Poli Sci major is what I enjoy at the present and am trying to figure out the next step, which is ranging from a political entity to a lawyer at present. So that's something, eh?

I also at this point in time decided to apply to a study abroad program for Spring 2010 in London which happens to offer Poli Sci classes, and magically enough I got in and I am ecstatic.

Thus leading to much excitement, nerves, and an oh shit moment. How the heck am I going to pay for this?

Leading to my employment status, I decided this January to do crew. Which yes involves waking up at 4:30 in the morning, water, ergs, spandex but simultaneously, an inability to do my job at the training room due to competition. Compound this with the fact it was pretty much slave labor and also incorporate the depleted drive for med school entrance, and we have me quitting my job. Which made me immensely happier but lead to unemployment for the first time since I hit working age, which leads to a readily decreasing bank account. AWESOME.

Luckily, my pair partner for crew Naomi who is literally a wonderful goddess, was graduation and had been working at the office of development doing data entry and they needed someone to fill her position. Luckily, she mentioned this to me and ta-da. Andrea has a summer/year round job. This involves me tethered to a semi-cubicle to a keyboard and a headset slowly hot-keying my way to my next paycheck. But I manage to get right through the monotony envisioning beautiful British men making me tea, after the last loser dumped me on my ass right again.

I think I might not be the best judge of character when it comes to dudes, I am pretty dead on when the situation doesn't involve me. But apparently make me smile and I swoon like a school girl and forget everything including the fact I have a brain.

Oh, additionally to having a job this means I am stuck back in Washington state for the summer. Auburn brings a whole new definition to monotony, lets just say there are 4-5 people I still hang out with from high school. There is a reason for that, I think it was really a weed out process. I have the good ones.

But living in Auburn means living under my Mom's roof, who I haven't lived with for two years since undergoing a bloody divorce. So this means in her mind I am eternally 14. Let's add in my older sister who hasn't lived here in 5 years and her long term boyfriend. My mom's new boyfriend who is god love him is eternally here. But incase you didn't pass algebra, that equals a big enough emotional roller coaster to put Disneyland to shame. I don't know how in god's name I signed up for house of menopause, but half the time I am looking for the emergency break. We are up, we are down, and especially when we are emotionally frazzled, we are doing some loopty-loops.

Which means that for me, who is anti-emotion this doesn't work out too well for the criers of our family. I really truly suck at coddling which ranges from my sis' boy being a complete ass to me and her ( great idea to say so Ann, should have learned to keep my mouth closed then) to things magically disappearing, to listening to he just doesn't think about me conversations. I am pretty much detached, which to them means I don't care. Meaning lets discuss you bloody over communicative past. something I thought I resolved in two years of therapy but clearly not. That is why I am a bitter hostile bitch, two latter two which I fully concur with and accept.

So that's that. I am hoping that this was somewhat cathartic and now I will be able to sit through dinner without the distinct urge to run screaming out the room or wonder I could wrangle up some ruby slippers and if they require speech before clicking your heels.

So moral of the story, I will be blogging much more this summer. Welcome to my outlet which will enable me to make it thought the next month and a half.

Baby Steps

I am making changes in everypart of my life this year. I have come to realize while meeting some amazing people last year, I wasn't leading the life I intended to. While having fun is important, it shouldn't be the thing that drives you. There wasn't any though as to the reprocussions of my actions. Mainly, I want a close relationship to Christ, which is something i sincerly lost track of. I want to be a doctor and I want to be able to look back upon my life and be proud of who I am and what I have done.I was hurting the people who cared about me most in life. I was pulling away from my family and god. I was hurting myself physically and mentally, not treating myself with the love and respect I deserve. In other words,I was doing things that I knew I shouldn't be doing. I was making bad decisions left and right; whether that be from whom I was dating boys who I knew weren't right for me,to slacking when I should be studying, ignoring my relationship with God,to partying and blacking out multiple times. Having been brought up in a household where I shold have know better, i was putting up barriers and breaking trust. So this year, after a lot of consideration and self reflection I am going to think twice and not return to that person that I didn't recognize this summer in the mirror and if you do catch me falling away from my goals please let me know, hold me accountable. I will appreciate it more that you know even if I cannot say it at the time.

New new new

So I realized that I haven’t really updated my blog in a while as well as the lovely Sarah Lake mentioned to me. Classes started today at PLU and my life has changed a lot in a short period of time. I have been at school since the 15th for work. I feel like I have been living in the training room, and should just get a sleeping bag. Luckily, I love the people I work with and our new ATC Jill is a kick. I did get a few days off to go to Bumbershoot with Meagan and this weekend to help Josh move into Central. Bumbershoot was amazing. We got to see Paramore(Haley Williams’ voice blew me away, she has an amazing stage presence) , The Offspring, and Death Cab for Cutie. Unfortunately, we didn’t get in line soon enough to see Flobots and the band that opened for Death Cab made my ears bleed, but all in all it still was an amazing day with my girl Meagan, and I am so glad that we went. We got each got rings at one of the vendors, mine is a rose and I love it. We both ended up getting Henna on our wrists as well and I am thinking about getting a tattoo tattoo. I am now living in T-stad with my lovely new roommate Emily, whom I adore. She is easy going and fun to be around. Our room looks pretty now that we are done lofting and getting everything the way we like it and I am slowly getting over my fear of elevators out of pure laziness, but I still take the stairs when ever I can help it. Other than that I have a new boy in my life, his name is Josh. He makes me so happy and I am so lucky that we found each other, who would have thought you would meet the boy of your dreams at a busted bonfire at Alki. He is sweet, funny, and time flies when I am with him. I never thought I would be swept off my feet, but there are fireworks every time we kiss and I miss him more than words can express. I drove over with Josh and his family this weekend to help him move into his dorm, Quiqley, early because he is part of the IAP program, which would equate an RA in the international dorm. Well I got to jet. Later.

Southern Summer

I am coming to my last week in Pineville and I thought I would take a look back on what I have done this summer. It has been an interesting summer to say the least.
We definitely accomplished our goal of remodeling the house. It no longer smells of smoke and is a clean, functioning home. So far, we painted every room (from dark paneling which took a lot of work), got new appliances in the kitchen, refinished the cabinets, got a new counter tops, replaced all the light fixtures, put in new toilets and vanities in all the bathrooms,new shower heads and shower rods and curtains, rewired and replaced all the outlets and light switches. And that is just what we did ourselves.We are still waiting on the contractor who is suppose to come and replace the sliding glass door. On top of this we have gotten new furniture for the living room and office, and pretty bedding to sleep in, and amazing rugs for the floor. It looks like a whole new house and I am really proud of all the changes we have made because they were sorrily needed.
Furthermore, I connected with a lot of my family. I got to know my Aunt Melinda and her partner Shirley who live in Lafayette, and love them to pieces. We went to movies, swam in their pool, played with their puppy Seattle, and drove to New Iberia to look at old plantations, which were beautiful and rich with history. Also we spend a few days in Lake Charles with my Aunt Barbara and her husband Mr. Judd. They have a beautiful home on the lake and we had an amazing crab feed.I slept in Egyptian Cotton sheets. I might give my first born for a set of those, they were amazing. And we just got back from Arkansas, from seeing my Nan and Paran. Those are my godparents for you northerns. They bought the man who own Tyson Chicken's old house. It was amazing, marble everywhere and more bedrooms than any person could ever need. Downfall of this all they are in the middle of nowhere with 70 acres. At night I would text and talk to people if I was lucky, I had to sit in a certain position and not move my arm because if I did I lost my single bar of service.
I also think I have gotten to know my father a lot better because I spent the most time with him I have under one roof since I was in 8th Grade. I love playing cards and making dinner with him, we have a blast.
Also, I went to Oregon for a week, which I was blessed enough to have my sister come down and spend time/ save me from the most hellatious week ever. The pros were that we got to go watch the Olympic trials( which was absolutely fun to watch so many amazing athletes give it their all), running with a 72 year old former Vegas show girl and having her kick my ass, and going ATVing. But things are strained with my maternal grandma after my parents got divorced she has embraced my Dad rather than her own daughter and made it clear that she didn't want to spend time with us, which is a shame & rather hurtful. What would you say if you asked to take a picture before you leave to remember your time there ( in which she wouldn't talk to either my sister or I) and were rejected and as she stated, "She didn't want to remember this"? I don't feel like there is a lot to say. But I got a whirlwind trip to Washington in after taking the train with my sister, and I got to see Sam, Hales, Rach, Meghan, and Sarah, and most importantly my MOM :) I miss her a ton and am so excited to see her next week.
I also have had a lot of quiet time, which is nice because I got a chance to think somethings over and relax. I started painting using mainly acrylics again and I forgot how much I love it. I am so glad that since I found out I had mono that it was now not during the school year and had the time to recover. The only bad part, is the fact I am just now able to return to working out and playing tennis. Not doing what I literally do everyday because I love it, was really hard on me. Because I feel like it is going to be a hard game of catch up to get back to where I was.
Right now, there is a lot to look forward to. My sister comes for a visit tomorrow (to surprise my Dad for his birthday). I also planned my Dad a birthday party next weekend which should be so awesome to see our family and friends & let them see all of the house, my trip to Canada with Haley is going to be amazing, hanging out with Garrett, and going to Bumpershoot with Meagan is going to be a blast... More importantly I get to see my friends and family that I have been missing so much in a week and I can't wait :)

Thoughts from a few days back.

Honey, I am home; or lack there of in many senses.
I am home from the first year of college and being abroad in Belize.
I am struck by so many things during these few weeks after school has gotten out.
Firstly, I may have come home but the homecoming feel has long been dismissed. The life I once graced no longer exists in Auburn, which was expected, but still reality is harsh. I visited with many old friends and flames, things have all evolved. I am not the same girl you may use to know in many ways I have changed, I maintained my heart but physically and emotionally have changed. I have seen things, been alone, and know I can make it. But outwardly, you see the same person as always. My mother states getting me to let you in is like summiting Everest; complicated at best but ultimately rewarding and rare.
With some, our friendships are stronger than ever. I find comfort in the fact that those whom I love are infallible and have always been. With others, they have maintained (whether that may be emotionally or in location, or in both) and things will never return to how they were because how can they when both are in different places. Maybe that is for the better, hindsight it wonderful and casts all in a beautiful glow. I hate that superficial that has replaced solid.
I am so grateful for two boys that have gotten to share the ride with me. I am sorry in once instance it was fun but letting you go was better for both ultimately, and still unsure why in the other instance. But maybe one day you will be able to see me, smile, and talk like we use to. I miss that. But time will strengthen and make me grow back stronger. In the words of Charlie’s Angels my heart is a muscle, and like any muscle needs to be conditioned. So once the right one comes along my heart will be so strong, I will be able to clean jerk his. Cheesy much? Oh well.
My mom and sister were flooded by the love of their significant others at the airport and I find strength in the fact that one will come and make the others disappear; but until then I lead an excellent and fantastic life and don’t need someone else to make me appreciate that.
So I am home, with strep throat after another third world country under my belt. I climbed Mayan ruins, held a nurse shark and touched a sting ray, snorkeled on the second biggest reef on the planet, drank enough Belikan Beer and One Barrel Rum (Belize’s chief exports) to sink a ship, appreciated lack of electricity and technology. I lived fully and was captivated by the experience.
Now, I leaving in two days for Louisiana for the first time I have spent with my father since I was in sixth grade under one roof. We are cleaning out and flipping my grandfather’s house since he passed. I am sure it will be intense and wonderful to cultivate a relationship but I want it more than can be expressed.
So my permanent address may be Auburn, Washington on forms but my eternal address cannot be reduced to a zip code, home is in my heart this summer.