Thoughts from a few days back.

Honey, I am home; or lack there of in many senses.
I am home from the first year of college and being abroad in Belize.
I am struck by so many things during these few weeks after school has gotten out.
Firstly, I may have come home but the homecoming feel has long been dismissed. The life I once graced no longer exists in Auburn, which was expected, but still reality is harsh. I visited with many old friends and flames, things have all evolved. I am not the same girl you may use to know in many ways I have changed, I maintained my heart but physically and emotionally have changed. I have seen things, been alone, and know I can make it. But outwardly, you see the same person as always. My mother states getting me to let you in is like summiting Everest; complicated at best but ultimately rewarding and rare.
With some, our friendships are stronger than ever. I find comfort in the fact that those whom I love are infallible and have always been. With others, they have maintained (whether that may be emotionally or in location, or in both) and things will never return to how they were because how can they when both are in different places. Maybe that is for the better, hindsight it wonderful and casts all in a beautiful glow. I hate that superficial that has replaced solid.
I am so grateful for two boys that have gotten to share the ride with me. I am sorry in once instance it was fun but letting you go was better for both ultimately, and still unsure why in the other instance. But maybe one day you will be able to see me, smile, and talk like we use to. I miss that. But time will strengthen and make me grow back stronger. In the words of Charlie’s Angels my heart is a muscle, and like any muscle needs to be conditioned. So once the right one comes along my heart will be so strong, I will be able to clean jerk his. Cheesy much? Oh well.
My mom and sister were flooded by the love of their significant others at the airport and I find strength in the fact that one will come and make the others disappear; but until then I lead an excellent and fantastic life and don’t need someone else to make me appreciate that.
So I am home, with strep throat after another third world country under my belt. I climbed Mayan ruins, held a nurse shark and touched a sting ray, snorkeled on the second biggest reef on the planet, drank enough Belikan Beer and One Barrel Rum (Belize’s chief exports) to sink a ship, appreciated lack of electricity and technology. I lived fully and was captivated by the experience.
Now, I leaving in two days for Louisiana for the first time I have spent with my father since I was in sixth grade under one roof. We are cleaning out and flipping my grandfather’s house since he passed. I am sure it will be intense and wonderful to cultivate a relationship but I want it more than can be expressed.
So my permanent address may be Auburn, Washington on forms but my eternal address cannot be reduced to a zip code, home is in my heart this summer.