Thrive.

What I have come to realize is that someone who I am care about in life and show me the way to lead it, it seriously and sincerely flawed. She has had trials and tribulations throughout her life, and I have come to realize the reason for the most of these is indefinitely her. She thrives in over emotion and outbursts. There is a lack of logic and a grasp of reality and in replace there are self righteous soliloquies. Nothing can be fun, it all has to focus in the past. Something she feels must be dealt with and just be the past. But back focus there is no moving forward.

She states everything out loud and asserts,asserts, and reasserts until she thinks you see her point of view and side with her. She has to cry, make everything about her if she isn't the center of attention or she feels attacked.

Somethings just are said, there isn't suppose to be a deeper meaning, sometime when you come home from work there is somethings that don't involve you. What you need to realize, person I love so much who will never read this, is by attempting to fix the past you are rueing the moment. The future is now, and sometimes we don't need to have drama. We just want to come home from work and comment about the traffic, without an outburst of tears,which you try to follow by a heart to heart, more tears, and slamming shit around.

Sometimes while you say he is stuck at 13, he has at least let go. Sometimes, I really think it is the other way around, and you talked and talked and talked me into this belief before I knew better.

Food

Have you ever noticed the effect food can have on people?

Example today was free pastry day at Starbucks which my boss/friend Naomi and I attended. Mmm croissant. That is a way to start your day with a jovial walking on air feeling which can be slowly dissipated by literally calling hundreds of people.

Other than that it is my night to cook dinner, and because I was starving, I went all out.

We have homemade wheat less biscuits, lime shrimp, butternut squash, and green beans, with fresh raspberries for desert ( $10 a flat at QFC ) Pretty delicious if I say so myself.

But now I am in a state of food delight, minus the dishes of course.

But hopefully after I start some laundry and finish this I will be up for a run and my workout. Due to commuting and lack of personal motivation, I have not been adhering as strictly to the regime as normal. But today isn't over yet....

Getting started again.

So I realized lately that I have stopped journaling online and all together. This is something that I tend to do when life gets crazy on me. However, this is summer and with more than two seconds to think ( and sometimes two seconds long in my opinion) I most probably should get back on this bandwagon because it truly helps me get a glimpse of where I am. And to be absolutely mundane in the words of someone once very wise, "Where ever you go, there you will be".

So lets play catch up....

I thought for an eternity ( literally my whole life) that I have wanted to be a doctor and for the first year and a half of college, I was working on it. I was an intention to serve however, intentions are easily missed. Sometimes God has to scream before you will listen that you aren't following his intentions. After this realization in January, I gave it a lot of prayerful consideration and talked myself and family into oblivion, to the extent a merry-go-round had nothing on my mental/verbal process. And have decided that a Poli Sci major is what I enjoy at the present and am trying to figure out the next step, which is ranging from a political entity to a lawyer at present. So that's something, eh?

I also at this point in time decided to apply to a study abroad program for Spring 2010 in London which happens to offer Poli Sci classes, and magically enough I got in and I am ecstatic.

Thus leading to much excitement, nerves, and an oh shit moment. How the heck am I going to pay for this?

Leading to my employment status, I decided this January to do crew. Which yes involves waking up at 4:30 in the morning, water, ergs, spandex but simultaneously, an inability to do my job at the training room due to competition. Compound this with the fact it was pretty much slave labor and also incorporate the depleted drive for med school entrance, and we have me quitting my job. Which made me immensely happier but lead to unemployment for the first time since I hit working age, which leads to a readily decreasing bank account. AWESOME.

Luckily, my pair partner for crew Naomi who is literally a wonderful goddess, was graduation and had been working at the office of development doing data entry and they needed someone to fill her position. Luckily, she mentioned this to me and ta-da. Andrea has a summer/year round job. This involves me tethered to a semi-cubicle to a keyboard and a headset slowly hot-keying my way to my next paycheck. But I manage to get right through the monotony envisioning beautiful British men making me tea, after the last loser dumped me on my ass right again.

I think I might not be the best judge of character when it comes to dudes, I am pretty dead on when the situation doesn't involve me. But apparently make me smile and I swoon like a school girl and forget everything including the fact I have a brain.

Oh, additionally to having a job this means I am stuck back in Washington state for the summer. Auburn brings a whole new definition to monotony, lets just say there are 4-5 people I still hang out with from high school. There is a reason for that, I think it was really a weed out process. I have the good ones.

But living in Auburn means living under my Mom's roof, who I haven't lived with for two years since undergoing a bloody divorce. So this means in her mind I am eternally 14. Let's add in my older sister who hasn't lived here in 5 years and her long term boyfriend. My mom's new boyfriend who is god love him is eternally here. But incase you didn't pass algebra, that equals a big enough emotional roller coaster to put Disneyland to shame. I don't know how in god's name I signed up for house of menopause, but half the time I am looking for the emergency break. We are up, we are down, and especially when we are emotionally frazzled, we are doing some loopty-loops.

Which means that for me, who is anti-emotion this doesn't work out too well for the criers of our family. I really truly suck at coddling which ranges from my sis' boy being a complete ass to me and her ( great idea to say so Ann, should have learned to keep my mouth closed then) to things magically disappearing, to listening to he just doesn't think about me conversations. I am pretty much detached, which to them means I don't care. Meaning lets discuss you bloody over communicative past. something I thought I resolved in two years of therapy but clearly not. That is why I am a bitter hostile bitch, two latter two which I fully concur with and accept.

So that's that. I am hoping that this was somewhat cathartic and now I will be able to sit through dinner without the distinct urge to run screaming out the room or wonder I could wrangle up some ruby slippers and if they require speech before clicking your heels.

So moral of the story, I will be blogging much more this summer. Welcome to my outlet which will enable me to make it thought the next month and a half.